Dave Barry on Babies

When Miriam was a tiny tyke her G.A.M.E. sent to us some great Dave Barry quotes on parenting. We recently rediscovered them and found these to be so relevant now:

I just want to take a moment here to get down on my knees and thank whoever invented our current biological system, under which the woman's job is to have the baby somehow go from the inside of her body to the outside of her body, in clear violation of every known law of physics, and the man's job is to stand around looking supportive and periodically, no matter what is actually happening to the woman, say, in an upbeat and perky voice, "You're doing great!"

When a woman gets to approximately her fifteenth year of labor, she begins making noises that you rarely hear outside of nature documentaries, and her husband edges back a little bit in case she gets her hands on a scalpel. But then it happens, the Blessed Event, the timeless miracle that makes the whole thing worthwhile: The woman has a baby via a process that makes what happened in Alien look like an episode of Teletubbies.
[That reminds me: Katie's birth story coming soon... -Mrs. P]

Having a baby causes your IQ to drop, as we see from these quotes:
Albert Einstein shortly after the birth of his son: "To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms--this knowledge, this feeling, is at the center of true religiousness."
Albert Einstein shortly after the birth of his son: "Daddy's gonna EAT THESE WIDDLE TOES!"

Babies do not believe in sleeping at night. When my daughter, Sophie, was two months old, she felt that the nighttime hours were best used for making loud, inexplicable, Exorcist-style noises. At 3:30 AM, her bassinet would suddenly start shaking like an unbalanced washing machine and erupt with a wide range of squeaks, gurgles, chirps, snorts, snuffles, grunts, and so on. It did not sound like there was a lone baby in there. It sounded like the entire Barnyard of the Demons. (Which would be an excellent name for a band.)

When my daughter Sophie was a brand-new human being, she naturally explored the mystery and magic of the world around her, by which I mean she was always trying to get her hands completely into her mouth. This was her primary goal in life. Her arms and legs constantly waved around in a random manner, and every now and then, whan a hand happened to land on her mouth, she became excited and started sucking on it like crazy. But then, without warning, the arm would yank the hand away, which made Sophie VERY angry. Whoever was operating her arms was going to get a piece of her mind, as soon as she figured out how to talk.

Katie also loves to give high-fives to the baby-in-the-mirror while we're changing her diaper, but that mean uncomplying baby-in-the-mirror keeps taking her hand away and won't play. Katie has had several heated arguments with her reflection about this.