Pickle Quotes

Some backstory: when Mrs. Pickles was still a swingin' single, she and her roommates collected quotes uttered by each other that, when taken out of context, sounded really funny. When the Pickles were married, the Mrs. soon realized that the Mr. was a veritable treasure trove of funny quotes, so she continued the tradition. The Mr. insisted that the Mrs. also had her moments of wit, and she eventually made it onto the quote list on the fridge as well, followed soon after by Miriam. We're sure that Katie will be joining the ranks soon, although all she can really say so far is “Aaaaa-shrieeeeeeeeeek thbbpbpbpbp [spit spit bubble].” Note: since this represents over 4 years of Pickle Wit, this will be a long post. We also plan to add to it occasionally, so we've added a link to this post in the sidebar.

So without further ado, Quotes by The Pickles:

-Mr. P: ”It's Zeus, the God of Thunder... quick, everybody hide your wife!”
[context: sitting in a metro station, hearing the loud thunder-like rumble as a train approaches, being reminded of the philandering of said God of Thunder]

-Mr. P: ”If I were a minstrel, I'd write a song about chips & salsa... Well, maybe not – but it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

-Mr. P: ”It's like swimming in an ocean – only fuzzier.”
[context: the nickname for Mr. Pickles' big fleece sweatshirt, “fuzzy ocean,” is born]

-Mrs. P: ”This is the second time today that I've smelled an elephant.”
[context: in a metro station, Mrs. P smelled... something. (an elephant!) (duh)]

-Mr. P: “You know, I was thinking – if Forrest Gump had run with scissors in his hands, would people have followed him anyway?”

-Mr. P: “Sorry – I had a Garfield moment.”
[context: Mr. P considering pushing his innocent, helpless wife off the bed]

-Mrs. P: “I like my food to scream in agony.”
[context: Mrs. P removing her steaming food from the microwave. I must be part Kzin (sp?)]

-Mr. P: “Once our children have approached 'slave age'...”
[context: discussion of when it's appropriate to expect kids to help around the house]

-Mr. P: “Now it is time for TOES OF NO MERCY!!”
[context, w/commentary: tickle death match battle (during which Mr. P refused to admit defeat!!) (of course, because I CAN NOT be defeated -Mr. P) (oh, whatever! -Mrs. P)]

-Mr. P: “I know! Let's take out a loan for a ridiculous amount of money that we can never afford to pay back, buy one of those ornate houses on Seminary Road, party with high society as we look down upon our old friends with an air of superiority as we live fast and die young!”
[context: Mrs. P innocently asking in 2001 where we should live next. We actually ended up in a modest 1-bedroom apt. Sigh.]

-Mrs P: “Should we drive by the Esplanade and spit in its general direction?”
[context: Mrs. P's suggested defiance toward the pompous ambiance of a local apartment community. The place was really ridiculous – they charged an obscene amount of money for a very cramped, poorly laid out closet-sized apartment.]

-Mr. P: “It's the principle of the matter! It's all about exploiting the man!”
[context: Mr. P explaining why he should order 3 toppings on a pizza instead of 2 when it wouldn't cost any extra]

-Mr. P: “If I had a file, I could sharpen my toenails. Then I could cut meat with them.”

-Mr. P, soon after: “That's just BIZARRE! I can't believe I SAID that. Well... actually...”

-Mr. P: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Mrs. P: “I am an Amazon Princess.”
[context: a “normal” conversation in the Pickles' household]

-Mrs. P: “You know, there are solutions to foot odor.”
Mr. P: “Yeah, peg legs.”
[context: Mr. P's solution to personal hygiene problems]

-Mrs. P: “Men are so refreshingly barbaric sometimes.”
[wish I'd written down the context for this one!]

-Mr. P: “Yo, Mama with a death wish, SLOW! Dig?”
[context: Mr. P's much more creative suggestion for altering a traffic sign on a steep incline]

-Mr. P: “I figured I'd better kiss you before you sucked your face inside out.”
[context: after Mrs. P's marathon puckering session]

-Mr. P: “I'm so condensed I'm going to turn into a black hole.”
[context: Mr. P curling up on the loveseat]

-Mrs. P: “Never get into a battle with a superior posterior.”
[context: after giving Mr. P a hip check that sent him across the room]

-Mr. P: “My life desperately needs a good action sequence. With lots of explosions.”
[context: an evidently mundane commute to work]

-Mr. P: ”I'm glad I'm feeding at the government trough.”
[context: Mr. P on job security]

-Mrs. P: “Why don't you eat something? It will give your stomach something to think about.”
Mr. P: “That would be a good idea – right now my stomach's thinking about atheistic humanism so it's all angry and depressed.”

-Mrs. P: “A noble beast, the vegetable.”
[context: after consuming a yummy bowl of vegetable soup. I blame Dad B's influence for this one.]

-Mr. P: “Here's a tip for you, Miriam: never trust a German Shepherd with a rocket launcher.”
[context: Mr. P giving some... er, “advice” to Miriam (while playing Medal of Honor)]

-Mrs. P: “It's a terrible life when your entire purpose is to be puked on.”
[context: comment on the essence of a burp cloth]

-Mrs. P: “Alright, Miriam, let's go suction your brains out.”
[context: using one of those rubber suction thingies on Miriam's stuffy nose when she had a cold]

-”The spirit is willing, but the flesh is in zombie-mode.”
[not sure who uttered this – could have been either of us. one of our fav mottoes]

-Mr. P: “Does that look like a 'colonial' townhouse to you?”
Mrs. P: “No, it's more like a 'victim of 70's minimalist architecture' townhouse.”
[context: looking at a particularly ugly townhouse during the Great House Hunt]

-Mr. P: “All I need to do is find the proper transformation so that she'll become a recognizable probability distribution function. Then I'll know the solution and be able to get her back to sleep..., where am I?”
[context: Mr. P ACTUALLY THINKING this at 2:00 am, trying to get Miriam back to sleep – a sign that he'd been studying too much probability theory before bed]

-Mr. P: ”Miriam, let's play a new game. It's called 'twirl till we puke.'”
[context: Mr. P's idea of a fun game to play after dinner]

-Mrs. P, to Miriam: “Did you bite the fairy in half?”
[context: Miriam was having a long, drawn-out, babbling conversation with what I can only assume was a fairy, which stopped abruptly]

-Mrs. P: “Grunt, grunt. Grog like loud music.”
[context: mocking stereo speaker's instructions to “turn down volume if you hear distortion” -- as if we weren't advanced enough to figure that out for ourselves]

-Mr. P: “Basic rule of video games, Miriam: if it moves, then blow it up.”
[context: Mr. P's important advice to Miriam -- something every girl should know]

-Mr. P: “Bees like clover. Cows like clover too.”
Mr. and Mrs. P, smirking: “Everybody likes clover.”
[context: paraphrasing a line from Miriam's once-fav “The Toddler's Potty Book”: “Mommy's happy. Daddy's happy. Grandma and Grandpa are happy too. Everybody's happy.”]

-Mr. P, grabbing his tools: “Okay, Miriam, let's go break stuff.”
Miriam: “I want to break stuff too!”
[Miriam was in the fun parrot stage]

-Mr. P: “Some days, the stack wins.”
[context: Mr. P referring to his lack of desire to battle the stack of dishes in the sink. another fav motto]

-Mrs. P: “I'd rather be a woman than have to deal with one.”
[needs no comment]

-Miriam, all in one breath: “I like bagels kabuzz I don't like spiders I like Pink Panthers.”
[context: Miriam in conversation with her baby doll. and that's all the explanation you're going to get]

-Miriam: “When I was a li'l baby, I got mawwied.”
[Miriam apparently had an active night life when she was an infant]

-Mr. P: "Hi, Katie Bear!"
Miriam: "Katie's a fuzzy bear."
Mr. P: "Are YOU a bear, Miriam?"
Miriam: "No, I'm a MONKEY!"

-Miriam: "Daddy, I need a life!"
[life = knife]

-Miriam: "Aw, nuts! I forgot the man with the gun."
[we think this is funnier unexplained]

-Miriam: "Mommy, are you Ge-ne-nieve just like the doggie?"
[in Madeline's Rescue, a dog named Genevieve saves Madeline from a watery grave]

-Miriam, laughing: "Look, the TV's wrinkly!"
[there were streaks in the dust from little fingers, which, I must say, did make it look wrinkly!]

-Miriam: "*gasp* Katie's eating my Uncle Phil!"
[to entertain herself in her carseat, Katie was chewing on a laminated picture of Uncle Phil. We both cracked up when we heard Miriam exclaim from the backseat]

-Miriam, while making the Sign of the Cross after Grace: "My Son is hiding."
[she still wears a large bib for dinner, which, apparently, covers her Son!]

-Miriam: "Daddy, you're the most goover in the whole world!!"
["goover" = goober, or one who teases. This quote needs no context b/c it could refer to almost any action of Mr. Pickles' towards Miriam]

-Katie, after passing gas: "Burp! From my heinie!"
[kids are so cute when they're being gross]

-Katie, after falling down: "Daddy, will you kiss my heinie?"
[she's a firm believer in the kiss-it-and-make-it-better philosophy]

-Katie: "I'm not a pwintheth, I'm just a Katie"

-Katie, on the difference between boys and girls: "Boys have a peanut, and girls have a oval!"