This Too Shall Pass

I just checked an early For Better or For Worse collection out of the library. It's been very healing for me. She Knows! She Understands! She's been There! I have to admit I'm enjoying going back in time with the strip -- I'm finding it extremely relevant.

For example, this has been our life the last couple weeks. The good news is that it's not strep, pneumonia, or an ear infection. The bad news is that it's just taking a long time to go away. And meanwhile no one is getting much sleep. Snarl indeed.

Fat flushing can be hanged right now for all I care -- I'm living off of caffeine and Valentine's Day chocolate, until I get a decent night's sleep again. thistooshallpassthistooshallpassthistooshallpassthistoo...

So, I'm dieting.

Sort of.

I just find it depressing still having to wear maternity clothes several months after a baby is born. It just doesn't seem FAIR. When I was pregnant with Joseph I was DETERMINED that I was going to be as healthy as I had been with Miriam. I had so many grand plans of eating right and walking every day -- we even got bikes for the kids so that after the baby was born we could go on long walks together -- and then I was sick off an on for most of the last trimester, which effectively chucked all those lovely plans right out the window. I didn't gain too much -- at least my doctor never said anything. But it still wasn't the controlled, healthy weight gain I had hoped for -- the kind that sheds right off after birth (like with Miriam -- I was back in regular clothes after 2 months). Six months after Joseph was born I still hadn't lost a significant amount of weight since the initial postpartum period, even with breastfeeding. I felt like I had hit a plateau, so I tried cutting calories. That didn't work -- all it did was make me cranky and hungry all the time. Nursing moms really can't cut calories drastically!

Then Christmas came, with all the delicious treats and sweets and cookies and breads and feasting and sugar and oh me oh my! Talk about carb overload. I was ready for some serious detox by the time the New Year rolled around. Right about then I followed a rabbit trail from Elizabeth Foss's blog about a diet she was going to try that was friendly to nursing moms, and helped her with detachment. A little light went off for me. I happen to love carbs -- pasta, breads, cookies, crackers -- these are my comfort foods. And whenever I'm feeling stressed I tend to pop a couple crackers, or butter up a slice of bread, to help my mood. There's something about munching that's comforting to me.

While reading about this diet I also came across the blogs of two other women who really inspired me. One talked about the amazing amount of weight she lost on the Fat Flush Plan, but more importantly, all the spiritual lessons she gained in the process. I think she might even have experienced a conversion to the Catholic Church. (all from her diet!) Another blogger really struck me with her spiritual insights into food and the purpose of eating. From this one I adopted the motto "Eat to live, not live to eat." I borrowed The Fat Flush Plan (I really hate the name) from the library and dove into it. It makes so much sense -- it's all about getting your liver working at peak efficiency to burn up extra fat stores. I've been recommending it to everyone I know who's struggling with the same issue.

From these three sources I realized why it is that I hadn't been losing weight. Often my reasons for eating are emotional, rather than what they should be -- hunger. I need to wait until I feel hungry to eat something. And then I should eat something nourishing. And stop when I feel full enough. I wasn't doing any of these things on a regular basis.

So on January 2nd I started eating based on a modified version of the Fat Flush plan. I started drinking hot water w/freshly squoze lemon juice (and some honey -- not part of the Plan!) every morning before breakfast. This was surprisingly yummy and satisfying -- I find I don't feel the need for tea anymore. I also tried to begin every meal with fruit or a salad, eating a good bit of protein, and saving anything starchy for the very end, IF I was still hungry. I snacked on almonds in between meals, which are really very satisfying in small doses. I also tried drinking diluted unsweetened cranberry juice, but I think that was just a little too intense! Mostly, I just tried to be conscious of what I was eating and why I was eating. On Sundays I relax a little -- I'll allow myself the occasional donut, and snacks between meals, and desserts, and such. It's nice having one day where I don't have to be on top of everything I eat all the time. I've also been keeping a journal and noting everything that I put in my mouth each day. It's amazing how this can nip temptation in the bud, when you know you're going to have to admit it to yourself and write it down!

So anyway, the results? In less than two weeks, Mr. Pickles said he could notice a difference already. Most of the cottage cheese effect on my thighs was gone. I dropped a pants size. I lost 3 inches from my hips. I felt more alive during the day. I don't have a scale, so I don't know how much weight I've lost, but that's not as important to me as clothing sizes! I'm SO glad to be OUT of my pregnant clothes, FINALLY!!

My next goal is to get the leftover baby belly to shrink a bit. I will probably need to be more disciplined about exercising every day -- by which I mean I will need to actually start doing it. :) But I'm confident now that I can get back in some semblance of shape -- something other than "squashy pear."

The hardest thing about living a healthy life right now has to be the whole exercise thing. I don't like exercising for its own sake. The idea of going to a gym is sheer torture to me -- it seems like such a phenominal waste of my time. I've got so many other better things I could be doing! Like cleaning my house! Or baking! Or reading! Being a mom -- specifically, a homeschooling mom -- places definite limits on one's free time. Every minute is precious. But I love being outside. I love gardening, I love sitting outside under a tree, I love walking. I would LOVE to take a 45-minute walk every day, but exactly where I would fit that in, with 3 children, continues to
baffle me. Ideally I'd like to take my walks alone, since taking children with you instantly renders a "walk" into a crawl, since you'll be stopping at every tree and rock and puddle along the way. I guess the answer is to make better use of our jogging stroller of sorts. It's especially difficult in cold weather, since everybody who isn't exercising would need to be especially bundled up. I get stressed just thinking about it, it's such a hassle. I suppose I ought to dust off those lovely ballet exercise DVDs that were given to me, which are perfect for bad weather.

So basically what I'm seeing here is that I really have no excuse for not exercising. If it were a priority. Which it should be. Hm, need to work on this one....

I may have more things to say as I continue with this conscientious eating thing. For now, it's been very eye-opening. And humbling. You never realize how attached you are to something until you try to give it up....

Another Daybook

FOR TODAY, January 18, 2009...

Outside My Window...
it is night. I should be packing or doing something "productive." But I feel moved to navel gaze, and hey, if you feel like it, you should do it, right?

I am thinking...
that our Church is in for an interesting ride over the next few years. The battle lines are more clearly drawn now. The election of Obama can be a good thing in this respect.

I am thankful for...
the example and prayers of the martyrs.

From the kitchen...
garlic and dill encrusted pork loin roasted with potatoes and pears, steamed asparagus, herb salad with cranberries and vinaigrette, and white zinfandel, served on our china. It's Sunday. We try to make it more special.

I am wearing...
one of my favorite skirts, a swirly brown corduroy from J. Jill. The rest isn't important.

I am creating...
a more enjoyable school experience for my kids by being more creative and less schedule-driven. I hope.

I am going...
to Colonial Williamburg! We're fleeing the city for the next couple days, to return in time for the March for Life.

I am reading...
the Fat Flush Plan by Ann Louise Gittleman. I started eating more sensibly the day after New Year's, and I've already lost 3 inches off my hips. 3 INCHES!!! If this keeps up, I may attain my ballerina figure again!

I am hoping...
the bishops will be given the courage they need to stand against the Culture of Death.

I am hearing...
sounds of football on TV from the basement.

Around the house...
we got a new TV!! It's a 32-inch flat panel LCD screen. And it's very nice. I was reluctant to get a new TV (why get a new one? our 30-year-old hotel TV with built-in radio and alarm which I inherited from a roommate still works fine!) but now I can't understand how we ever got along without it! You can actually, you know, read words on the screen and stuff!

One of my favorite things...
Christmas lights. Our tree is still set up. That will come down soon, but I think the rest of the decorations are going to remain until Candlemas.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:
let's see... freezing our tails off in Williamsburg, making the most of the indoor waterpark we'll be going to afterwards, freezing our tails off at the March for Life, making the most of the parish's chili dinner afterwards, catching up on laundry, oh and housecleaning. Going to Williamsburg will be our "school" this week.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing...

from The Simple Woman

Look, Ma, I'se Kreativ!

I just received my first "tag" from my newbie blogger sister-in-law, to describe six things that make me happy:

-getting completely absorbed in a story (preferably a book rather than a movie)

-playing a piano piece well (you've all checked out the sidebar recently, right?)

-going for walks by myself at something faster than toddler pace (you know, that meandering, stop-and-go thing that drives you batty when you want to move along)

-the ocean -- the sound, the smell, the breeze, the feel of the waves

-that feeling of oneness and harmony with Mr. Pickles that comes from a moment of complete mutual understanding

-knowing my children and spouse love me anyway, even when I feel like a rotten person and the scum of humanity


Now I'm supposed to tag six other bloggers. I just realized that I do read several other blogs, but most of the authors don't know me from Adam -- so like Katie I'm just tagging the people I know whose blogs I read somewhat regularly and who I know check on mine semi-demi occasionally:

the SonFamily
Ecclesia Domestica
F.U. News
Hark the Herald Angels Sing

Thanks for the tag, Katie! This was a fun exercise. Now I'll be thinking about being happy all day. :)

Be Careful What You Pray For

One of my prayers lately has been that I would like my children more, and be more loving to them. Well, perhaps as a result of that prayer, I have been given lots and LOTS of opportunities to practice loving them better this morning. It's like they're all conspiring to see who can push mom closer to the edge of sanity. They're all exceptionally whiny, and cranky, and tired, and demanding, and needy, and obstreperous. It's a Mommy Giving day. We spent most of the morning snuggling in bed. I finally got breakfast after 11.

Motherhood is not for wimps.

/whine session :)

"Be still, and know that I am God."

Ditto.

The above verse from the Psalms was on the candle that was passed around during my household's Lord's Day at college, when we would each take a moment to offer to God our worries of the week. When the candle was finally lit, it was a sign of our troubles being burned away, a good reminder that they all are taken up into God's hands -- that He ultimately is the one in charge. He is the eternal, omnipotent one who knows what He is about. As I get older and worry about more and more things, it's good to remember this verse and be reminded of my own smallness, that there is so little I can do to influence the great movements in the world at large. The best I can do -- in fact, the only thing I am called to do -- is influence my own little circle of family and friends around me for the better. To be a light and a blessing to others I meet every day, especially my own family (although I feel like I've been failing in this one dreadfully, lately).

I feel this calling even more strongly today. It's as though I heard a call to arms. Because I expect some form of mild persecution, perhaps not of myself personally, but certainly of our Church, to come upon us soon, I feel my energies being directed inward. To be a good Christian, ready to follow my Captain ultimately to the Cross; to spread the Gospel as best I can within my own circle of influence (especially to my children); to share hope and joy with others I meet -- these are my marching orders. I expect life to become more difficult in various ways externally -- we will have less money, many things will be more costly, I will have to learn to economize more strictly. But I hope the hardships to come will help us focus on what's more important -- the salvation of our souls and those of our children. I think the calling of the Christian as a soldier in a real battle for souls will become more apparent. At least, I hope so -- I hope the next few years will wake people up and shake us out of our complacency. There's nothing like a little suffering to bring a nation to its knees (or at least its senses).

One has only to study the history of Christianity to see how God brings great good out of a big mess. Counter-Reformation, anyone? I'm fairly confident He has a pretty good plan for our country right now. Job said it fairly well, "I know You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be hindered." In the short-term it looks bleak, but I'm extremely hopeful for the not-too-distant future. There are future saints being raised in good families right now, who will be the firebrands that enkindle the rest of us deadwood. :) Meanwhile, as long as I'm doing what I know the Lord wants me to do, am I supposed to stress about what's going on in places where I have no influence or say? Can I add one day to my life by worrying about it?

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff comfort me."

(art credit: "The Good Shepherd" by Bernhard Plockhorst courtesy of art.com)

P.S. Our esteemed colleagues have begun the Total Consecration to Mary today, to finish on December 8, the feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary, who is our country's patron under that title. I welcome anyone else interested to join us!

Deep Thoughts

I've been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, mostly to do with a readjustment of certain prejudices that I didn't realize I had. I'm sure some of you have already been aware of the to-do over NFP in the blogosphere lately. Well, maybe you haven't. But trust me, there is one -- it all boils down to the "NFP is the best thing since sliced bread" vs. the "NFP is a hard sacrifice - almost too hard" debate. The experience of the Pickles household is that NFP has indeed been a great thing -- certainly a challenge at times (Miriam surprised us with her existence ahead of schedule, for example), but also a great blessing for our marriage and personal growth. We've been blessed with temperaments that haven't found occasional abstinence to be a heavy burden. But we understand that it's not that way for everyone, indeed for many of our close friends and family members. I even have a formerly close friend who left the faith because she and her husband found NFP just too hard. My heart goes out to them.

So the other day I was cruising around my favorite "mom blogs" and came across one post that really got me thinking. I normally don't read Danielle Bean's Coffee Talk Tuesdays, just b/c the comments are always so dang long, but this time I actually had some time to kill. So I read through several comments and suddenly found my heart racing. Sadly the comments degenerated into name-calling and some judgmentalism, essentially over whether poor people should have children if they're not sure they can support them -- and that perhaps they ought to feel ashamed for accepting government aid. Enter my prejudice. I had never voiced this to anyone, but I had always subconsciously believed that if a family could not support themselves, they ought not to have any more children, at least temporarily, and that they would be irresponsible to welcome new life into the world when they couldn't support the family they already had. Never having been poor myself, I didn't realize how bigoted this belief really was. But seeing my subconscious thought actually voiced by a couple of the commentors, and then seeing one commentor ask who gets to decide who's rich enough to have children, brought me up sharply. Who the h-e-double-hockey-sticks am I to judge another family harshly for wanting to bring another baby into the world? Why should it be wrong for a couple to want to incarnate their love for each other in a new, unique human being with an immortal soul?

Finally Danielle had to close comments b/c they were getting too snarky. But her response was another eye-opener. This paragraph really caught my eye:

We need to be very careful when we talk about “responsible parenthood.” All too often, this phrase leads to the idea of preventing pregnancy as the default mode for Catholic marriages. In this way of thinking, couples must meet certain criteria, financial or otherwise, before they are “allowed” to have children. I can think of many words to describe this kind of thinking, but not one of them is “Catholic.”

She also wrote an article for Inside Catholic about how prevalent the culture of death is even in Catholic communities. Since when did having children become a sign of irresponsibility? Have we been so brainwashed by the false fear of overpopulation that the idea of more babies makes us uncomfortable, or even afraid? It's so twisted -- children are supposed to be the hope of the future, not its death.

Finally, I found this post on a quote from Casti Connubi, about the state's responsibility to provide for families who can't support themselves. I found the blog author's comment particularly eye-opening: "...when social structures and economic conditions are such that they cause excessive strain on the family, it is not the duty of married persons to deprive themselves of the natural goods of married life in order to accommodate the State, but the duty of the State to make provision for and accommodate marriage and the whole structure of family life that results from it." In sum, married couples should never feel outside pressure to limit their family size. Whether or not they abstain from "the natural goods of married life" in a given month to prevent the conception of another family member is an extremely personal matter between them and God, and really not anyone else's business. If they so choose, they MAY use NFP to postpone a pregnancy, but it should never be required, or even expected, of them. And the rest of us should be willing to bend over backwards to give them needed help, lest they feel punished for being generous with God.

"Babies are only and always blessings." Let's not make the challenge of welcoming them into some families feel like a burden. This appeal goes for me, too. I could always be urged a little farther out of my comfort zone to offer help to other moms who might need it, even if they're too embarrassed to ask.

Well, technically it IS Monday

...and therefore time for another round of introspection. :) (plus it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep anyway, so I might as well pretend to be productive, right?)

FOR TODAY, Monday July 7, 2008...

Outside My Window... it was actually quite lovely today (...er, yesterday). It was overcast, and not too warm, so we spent the afternoon gardening and washing the car. With all the rain we've been having lately my "garden" is trying to take over the world -- some weeds I neglected to pull before our vacation were taller than Miriam when we came back! I decided today that I really ought to spend more time outside with the girls, gardening. I've never had luck making things grow, mostly because when I was babysitting I didn't have the time to dedicate to it. But now I've no excuse (well, except this new laptop to play on...). :) Doing a little bit of planting at a time, starting in the fall (it's too hot now to expect anything to really take off), I hope someday to be able to have a garden to be proud of.

I am thinking... how tired I am of wearing maternity clothes. I still have 15 lbs. of baby weight to lose, which all seems to be located in my hips. I want to lose the weight sooner rather than later, but since I've never actively tried to lose weight, I'm a little intimidated by the prospect. I know what it involves -- cutting back on calories and exercising. The first is relatively easy -- since I do the shopping I can control what things come in the house. The exercising part is what stumps me. I would love to be able to do three things: brisk walking, riding my bike, and taking some kind of ballet or yoga or stretching class. But trying to figure out how to schedule these kinds of things in my day is the poser. The girls walk too slow for me to get any exercise with them, but they don't have the patience to sit in the double stroller for 30 minutes. Bike riding is out unless Mr. Pickles is home to watch the kids. And classes are expensive. Maybe I should just vacuum the whole house every day -- that would be a good 45 mins of cardio.

I am thankful for... my baby boy. All my children, really. They come up to me unprompted and give me lovings even when I'm feeling fat and ugly, because they don't really care how I look.

From the kitchen... I actually started cooking again this week! Granted, it was only 2 or 3 meals, and most were planned at about 4:58 pm, but at least I was responsible for inventing, preparing, and serving actual food to my family! My moment of triumph this past week was our Fourth of July dinner -- shish kebobs with chicken, mushrooms, green peppers, and red onions marinated in Italian dressing. They were supposed to be grilled, but due to the rain (*sniff*) we had to broil them in the oven. Not quite as good, but still indescribably delicious. Of course, Mr. Pickles did most of the work. I shopped though! That should count for something!

I am wearing... yet another maternity night shirt.

I am creating... a beautiful home for my family to live and play and work in. Tomorrow (...er, today) is cleaning day, and this house will be sparkling by the time the sun sets, by gum!

I am going... to schedule lots of playdates with friends this summer -- Miriam needs time to develop her friendships, and Katie needs to get out of her shell more often. I realized on our vacation that Katie's independence isn't necessarily 100% a good thing. I took advantage of it during periods in our life recently when I felt like I couldn't stay on top of everything, so I would tend to leave her to herself. But I don't want her to grow detached from people. During the weddings and family reunion, she tended to withdraw into herself and shy away from people -- from loving family members that she wouldn't even look at. Now, a certain amount of reservedness is fine, but I want my children to have good manners, which includes being kind to people, no matter how we feel.

I am reading... well, I'm currently in the middle of both The Reed of God and The Last Child in the Woods, both excellent books, but I haven't picked up either of them in several days. Sometimes I just get tired of looking at letters on paper and want to get up and DO something.

I am hoping... to be able to go to sleep soon! I do not function well on little sleep, and I've got a busy day planned for tomorrow.

I am hearing... the blissful sounds of total silence in the house. I only wish it could be like this more often during the day. Afternoon Quiet Time has degenerated into Mommy Telling Children Repeatedly To Go Back To Their Rooms Already All Throughout Quiet Time.

Around the house... I wish I had a better talent for organization. We have a couple hot spots around the house that tend to collect clutter, mostly because I don't have a system of organization yet for them. One recent success was conquering the kitchen paper pile -- I got a wall-mounted 3-bin rack for organizing our mail and to-do papers, which keeps everything highly visible and, more importantly, off the horizontal surfaces. Plus it can't hold too much weight or else it will pull the brackets out of the plaster, so we have an incentive to keep the stacks to a minimum. You know, it's tricky organizing a household when you have two people with two very different approaches to organizing living together. Mr. Pickles keeps track of all of our finances and other important things, and I just pray that nothing ever happens to him because I'd never be able to find anything important!

One of my favorite things... Joseph's sleepy head-bobble when we pick him after he's just woken up and he's trying to figure out what he's supposed to do next -- oh yeah, that's right, eat of course -- now, where is it? (bobble bobble bobble)

What made me laugh today... the sheer ridiculousness of trying to go out to restaurant as a family. We ate out tonight (coupon night! yey!), and for the most part it went as well as could be expected. It's a very kid-friendly restaurant, by which I mean they have kid menus that you can color on BOTH sides. Katie wanted to spend the whole time coloring, but managed to sneak in a few fries here and there. She wouldn't eat her chicken because of the black flecks (and all the fries and lemonade she had consumed while waiting for the 475 degree chicken to cool off). Miriam wanted me to "help" her solve her kid-sized Sudoku puzzle (only nos. 1-6 -- it was perfect!) by which I mean she wanted me to tell her where all the numbers went. Joseph was tired and cranky b/c his last couple naps hadn't been long enough, so Daddy had to walk with him to get him to sleep. Then while Mr. Pickles was off walking Joseph, Katie said she had to go potty RIGHT NOW so I had to leave Miriam alone at the table, but when we got to the little girls' room Katie changed her mind, grrrrrrrrrr. But then finally Joseph fell asleep, so we did actually get to sit and eat together as a family, even though there was little to no actual adult conversation involved. Thank goodness Joseph didn't choose to have a diaper blowout while we were there. And now we've got some great leftovers for lunch!

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: shopping for some fabric, celebrating a Very Important Extra-Special Birthday, and finally restocking our Mother Hubbard cupboards. Oh, and getting some gerbils!

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

Go Bruins!

(for those 2 readers who aren't members of the family, Nativity was our parochial school before we started homeschooling)

Daybook idea from The Simple Woman

A Day in the Life

FOR TODAY, Monday June 2...

Outside My Window... it is very green and bright and summery and lovely. Two days ago it was beastly hot and humid, and then we had a TREMENJUS thunder storm complete with howling winds and hail, which actually cooled everything off nicely. (usually rain makes it worse!) It's a day that I feel guilty staying inside.

I am thinking... that just for today, I will put their dishes in the dishwasher. Just for today, I will change that burned-out lightbulb. Just for today, I will pick up their socks and put them all the way in the laundry basket. Just for today, I will put the dirty diaper IN the diaper pail. And I will do it all cheerfully. Just for today.

I am thankful for... my Mother's Day present -- a new laptop! (from which I am publishing this very post)

From the kitchen... Mr. Pickles has been The Grillmaster this weekend! Hamburgers, chicken, and tonight hot dogs! With baked beans, corn on the cob, and lemonade. Mmmmmm.

I am wearing... a new blue print shirt from J. Jill (my all-time favorite clothing store -- there's an outlet about 30 mins away from us), and linen maternity pants (sigh...).

I am listening to... Dave Brubeck (finally used up my amazon.com gift certificate from my birthday last year!) and the baby swing. Everywhere else it's silent -- everyone is sleeping!
I am going... to feed the baby as soon as he decides he's OFFICIALLY awake and hungry -- right now he's trying to decide whether he really wants to wake up from his nap or not.

I am reading... Designing Your Own Classical Curriculum by Laura Berquist. Gearing up for next school year -- first grade and preschool! I've got so many ideas that I need to research and discuss with Mr. Pickles.

I am hoping... to get together with some friends tomorrow to see their baby gerbils.

I am creating... silver purses for Miriam and Edy, to match their flower girl dresses. I just finished a wrap skirt for myself, of which I am very proud -- I designed the pattern with some help from Home Grown and Butterick. I used rayon for the main skirt, added a lining and tucks -- and it came out very well, if I do say so myself! I wore it to Mass yesterday, and then just kept it on all day b/c it was so comfy!

Around the house... it desperately needs cleaning. I've been too busy sewing and reading. :)

One of my favorite things... Vanilla Chai tea by Bigelow. I'm not a huge Bigelow tea fan (I know, I'm becoming a tea snob), but this one is pretty yummy, with lots of milk and sugar of course. :)

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: sewing, shopping, and packing!!

Picture of the week:

HT: The Simple Woman via Ecclesia Domestica

I agree with Theresa: I don't really care for strangers reading my blog uninvited, nor do I have the time to read everyone else's entries, so I'm not participating on the Daybook site -- but I do give The Simple Woman full credit for the great creative writing idea!