Mama's Boy

For so long during my pregnancy with him, I was convinced Joseph was going to be another girl. I had girl vibes, I had girl clothes, I had a beautiful girl name... and I wasn't sure I wanted a boy yet. I was introduced to boyhood through the one I babysat, and after that experience I wasn't sure about having a boy! Don't get me wrong; Paul is a great kid -- sweet, compliant, cooperative, loving -- but he is a boy, which includes a penchant for chaos and destruction. It's written into their genes. :) And I wasn't sure that I could be a good mother to a boy. Girls I understand -- I can handle the drama. But the sheer physicality of a boy?...

Well, now we've got ourselves one! And it turns out he's just the sweetest, yummiest, fuzziest baby there is. I had been extremely nervous -- if not panicky -- about the idea of having a boy. But as his due date approached I began to second-guess my girl vibes, to see and hear about Josephs and Michaels everywhere, and to notice how cute some little boy outfits were. I even went so far as to order blue diaper fasteners, instead of purple, just in case. I also felt that I really needed to have my own boy to be able to experience the positives -- to understand boys from the inside. So when he was finally born, I was actually thrilled, mostly for Mr. Pickles, but also for myself. In the words of Diana Barry, "I wouldn't trade baby Fred for a MILLION girls!" I'm thinking that by the time he gets to the chaos and destruction stage I'll love him enough that I won't want to strangle him -- at least no more than I do my other children. :)

So now I've been trying to discern if there is a difference between Joseph and his big sisters at this age. At first I couldn't tell if he really seemed more active, or strong, or loud... until now. In the last week or so his maleness has really started to emerge. In addition to the deep guttural grunting (which was present from the start), his play times are becoming more active. He flaps his arms very excitedly, like all babies do, but his actions to me seem bigger and more enthusiastic. He's just so... full of life.

And his clothes!! Thanks to the generosity of family & friends, he's got a new outfit for every day of the year, practically. (I guess there are advantages to being a younger sibling!) And they're all so kee-yute! Today he had on a stripey shirt with overalls (on loan from cousin Max) that were so little-boy-ish I just wanted to eat him up. Miriam wrote him a letter: "Dear Josif in baby [scribble scribble scribble] love Miriam and Katie." She tells me that it says, "Dear Joseph in baby clothes, you are wearing the cutest outfit that I ever saw, it's so adorable." And there are tons more like it! Now when I do laundry, I have the white load, the dark load, and the blue load.

Every once in a while I think of all the horror stories that other mothers of boys have told, and I have a moment of panic, fearing that my little boy will turn into a monster too. But then I just look at him and I realize that even if he does, I'll still love him, even more than I do now. And I'll probably be able to regale other young, vulnerable mothers with horrific tales of his unbelievable naughtiness, rolling my eyes and sighing resignedly. Yet all the while I'll know that no other mother's son can be as smart, or sweet, or cute, or [insert trait here] as my son, because... he's mine.

"Love Light" by Peter Quidley