Lessons we’ve learned while doing home improvements

Lesson #1 – Home improvement projects ALWAYS take longer than you expect.
This is no surprise to anyone who’s ever attempted to do anything worth doing. There is always something that goes horribly, drastically wrong and sets you back. The Picklesbane was the wallpaper in the bathroom (see “Diary of a Bathroom”). We were supposed to have all painting and decorating projects done by the end of summer – we just finished last week.

Lesson #2 – You’ll hear your spouse using words you didn’t even know they KNEW.
Like when Mr. Pickles stepped on a sharp edge of an old light fixture – in his bare feet – twice. Mrs. Pickles followed him up the stairs with a wet rag, mopping up the trail of blood he left on the carpet. (The gash is STILL healing.)

Lesson #3 – We have come to associate painting with nursery rhymes.
To keep Miriam occupied while we were painting, we would play CD’s of kid music. One day while Mrs. Pickles was painting a wall in the bathroom, she found herself humming things like, “Ollie Mae the Octopus, we love you, yes we dooooo....” and “Down by the bayyyyyyy, where the watermelons growwwwww...” even though there wasn’t anything playing on the stereo.

Lesson #4 – The man who invented curtain rod brackets is probably spending a lot of time in purgatory. Or at least he ought to be.
Ours seem to be designed so that the hook wherein the rod rests obscures the screws holding the bracket to the wall, making the task of putting in screws a job worthy of Sisyphus (i.e. a job seemingly impossible to complete). The only way to get them in was to use a ratchet set and a lot of patience.

Lesson #5 – In tight quarters, surrounded by walls with wet paint, bending over can be quite precarious.
Let’s just say that Mr. Pickles has some shorts he won’t be wearing in public again.

Lesson #6 – As Click & Clack the Car Talk Guys say, every project is an opportunity to buy a new tool.
Well, Mr. Pickles didn’t actually get the power sander he was eyeing (to sand more easily the spackling we applied over the gouges in the sheetrock that appeared while removing the !@#$%^&* wallpaper in the Picklesbane bathroom), but he did get to play with a lot of his big boy toys when doing things like removing the toilet tank, moving the bathroom sink, hanging curtain rods, and removing and replacing the old bathroom hardware. (The most complicated thing Mrs. Pickles got to handle was a Phillips head screwdriver.)

Lesson #7 – When attaching hardware to your bathroom wall, please don’t strip the screws holding them to the hang plate.
Our LOVELY former owners did this, necessitating the use of a hacksaw to remove the towel rings and TP holder. Mr. Pickles got a couple nasty blisters in the process, since he had to scrape his hand against the wall to get the saw close enough.

Lesson #8 – Hacksaws are wonderful tools, but there are times when Mr. Pickles wished he had an acetylene torch for cutting through metal...., or maybe a laser. (Maybe next home improvement project?...)

Lesson #9 – When instructions for installing bathroom hardware tell you that one of the tools you will need is a level, you really WILL need a level.
Line of sight just ain’t quite good enough. (Especially if your floor is crooked.)

Lesson #10 – Any home improvement project will end up costing WAY more than you would ever expect.
I think we’ve pretty much blown our miscellaneous household expenses budget for the rest of the year. And oh yeah, don’t expect any Christmas presents from us either.